Correct me if I'm wrong here, but the way I remember it, the original Christmas Story was a quiet, low-budget affair. Luke's rendition is almost matter-of-fact. "And it came to pass, in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed."
I can understand why Hollywood moguls might want to improve on this sort of flat storytelling. Taxes are interesting, but a downer. You might get Steve Forbes in a lather, but you'll never pack the multiplex. Even Steve Forbes can't pack the multiplex. And Steve Forbes is rich. Joseph was a carpenter. Joseph was a man with so little chutzpah he couldn't get his wife a room in the inn.
And she was pregnant.
"He's going to staple himself to the roof," Andrew said appreciatively.
Sure enough, Griswold did staple himself to the roof. All was right with the world.
The holiday spirit is a wonderful thing.
Griswold's "fun old-fashioned family Christmas" may or may not be an accurate reflection of how most Americans pass the holiday, but it does point out the almost inevitable juxtaposition of Christmas with violence, comic or otherwise.
Both "Home Alone" movies are set at Christmas, and both portray Macaulay Culkin as a sort of one-man army. Parents organizations and critics alike were outraged by the violence done by this little boy.
But then again, Christmas is frequently used as a foil in movies, a setup for a world about to blow. Even the passing shot of a Christmas wreath can be a tip-off to tragedy, or action. Is a bomb about to go off? Is Bruce Willis in the neighborhood?
And yet Hollywood still does crank out those quiet Christmas movies, which try to accomplish with good will what is commonly done with car chases and plastique.
Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Disney will soon release a remake of that 1947 beauty "The Bishop's Wife." Penny Marshall directs Denzel Washington as the angel Dudley in a role originally filled by Cary Grant. David Niven was the bishop. Loretta Young was the bishop's wife. Now the bishop has been demoted to a preacher. He's played by Courtney B. Vance in a lot of unflattering coats and hats. The preacher is the husband, after all, and therefore nothing to look at. Whitney Houston plays the preacher's wife, and the remake has been so renamed. Whitney Houston is quite a lot to look at. And something to listen to.
Disney has announced its intentions of sticking close to the original story. But then that was supposed to happen to "Miracle on 34th Street," when the 1947 classic was remade in 1994.
Didn't happen. God is in the details. And God was missing.
We wish the preacher better luck.
But I can easily understand the temptation to betray the material. The world of these pictures is too good to be true. Imagine that some other man falls in love with your wife. Now imagine that he's an angel, and that all he wants to do is make everything better. Not just for her but also for you, his competitor.
Such stories must have been easier to write in 1947. Even when cranky, even before he saw the light, David Niven's bishop wasn't exactly Joey Buttafuoco. Called away from the dinner table to answer the phone, he turns to his wife and says, "Forgive me, darling."
Cary Grant makes a charming angel. "The world changes," he tells Loretta Young, "but two things remain constant."
"What?" she asks.
"Youth and beauty."
"The trouble is, people grow old," she says.
"Not really. The only people who grow old were born old to begin with." It's a thin line trod by `The Bishop's Wife' and `It's a Wonderful Life': both are too good to be true.
In 1947 you could say that sort of thing. Today you'd get snickered out of the theater. And if you weren't snickered, the youth and beauty industry, the vitamin sellers and plastic surgeons would doubtless come after you with lawyers and baseball bats.
It's a thin line trod by the likes of "The Bishop's Wife" and "It's a Wonderful Life." Both movies are too good to be true. All characters in both movies are too good to be true. It's easy to go over the top.
And probably White Christmas goes there. It came out in 1954 with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye playing a couple of ex-Army buddies with throats of gold, hearts of gold and bags of gold. Still, I wept and wept. How could I not love a movie that ends with snow, and everybody crooning White Christmas? Or that has der young Bingle sing "When my bankroll is getting small, I think of when I had none at all."
Then there are those rare Christmas movies that aren't particularly sentimental or violent. "A Christmas Story" is one of these.
Based on part of a book titled "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash" by the radio humorist Jean Shepherd, it tells the story of a boy growing up in the suburbs in the 1940's. I grew up in the suburbs in the 1950's, and I can tell you, it's hauntingly familiar. My sons are growing up in the 1990's. They, too, find it familiar.
"See," I said. "I'm not the only dad who yells."
Jean Shepherd narrates the movie, and the impression is wonderfully true to life. Ralphie, the boy, wants a Red Ryder BB gun with a 200-shot magazine and a compass in the stock. His mother tells him he can't have it because he'll shoot his eye out. His teacher tells him he can't have it because he'll shoot his eye out. Santa tells him he can't have it because he'll shoot his eye out.
So you're not surprised when Ralphie doesn't find that long, rectangular package under the tree. But still, my heart leaped when his father told him to look behind the desk.
There it was. The Christmas present of his dreams. The Red Ryder BB gun with the 200-shot magazine and a compass in the stock. Does he shoot his eye out? You'd better see for yourself. (I can only say there is one good thing to be said for wearing glasses.)
If in all those Christmas movies we get one as good as this, and one as good as "The Bishop's Wife," well, then, it's worth a little heavy weather.
Christmas comes but once a year. And it only lasts a couple of months.